Randomness

Where to begin. I’ve been crying a lot, alone in our bedroom. I’m reading stories that are sometimes sad, sometimes frustrating...like you want to reach inside the story and shake one of the characters and make them do something about their situation. Some parts of the books I can relate to, and that may be where the crying comes in. The crying scares me because it’s happening far more often than it had been. I get that I’m under too much stress and that’s probably the reason for the crying. I haven’t told my therapist about it because it wasn’t to the point it’s at now. I may have to say something at my next appointment. This therapist has been focused on me and asking me questions. More, to get herself up to speed. Past therapists brought too much of their own issues into the appointments. I still don’t like that her only suggestion was to take back my Sundays. My day of chilling on my own. Last week it got cut short because of all her yelling at my son. I had to have him come in to watch tv with me to get him out of that situation. This coming Sunday I will not have any time to myself. Probably more so because it being Easter and my daughter’s birthday. I picked my daughter up Wednesday after PT. I just don’t see it going well. My wife has already been yelling and it’s Thursday, only day 2.

My wife asked how long my daughter was staying. I told her there was no fixed time period like her 2 previous visits, but I’m thinking by next week Friday. My daughter has been so excited to be her that she talks  way too fast. I’ve mentioned it to her twice.

My wife and I had a rare few minutes in the Buick without the kids. I told her about the deposition next week. She asked wasn’t the car accident settled not long after the deposition. Yes. Then she has the nerve to say ‘I really need a car, are you buying a car if you get a settlement?’ Yes. ‘I guess if you get a newer car you’ll take it and give me the Buick.’ It was a bit of a terse statement. I just said, not knowing if/when/the amount of a settlement, I don’t know. But really? These are my injuries I suffer with pain every day. Any settlement is my money. I’ve bought and paid for 2 used mini vans for her, and let her drive my Pilot and I have always paid her car insurance. She has no income. Hasn’t had any for 3 years. Isn’t that ballsy to make a comment like that? Why wouldn’t I get the newer car?

The other thing I said in the car...I should have known to just not bring it up. Since we are selling the Pilot I said we should take it for a spin in the back seat. Wink wink! Nudge-nudge! Say no more! All she could think of is what if we get caught. How would we get caught? The car is my property, it is parked on my land. And the windows are tinted dark. No one could see into the Pilot at night. Where’s her sense of adventure? I dunno, but I was a bit shocked. I could name more than 5 women I had relationships with that wouldn’t hesitate to jump into the back seat tonight. I just don’t understand. It’s not like I wanted to delve into BDSM. That’s definitely more out there than the back seat of a car. I don’t know what I was thinking. Her reaction really shouldn’t surprise me, so I shouldn’t let it upset me so much. And I know damn well she’s going to mention this to at least one of her friends. Might be 2, but definitely the one.

Shane's Lounge ©2011-2021

Best Laid Plans

Bwahahaha! 03/28/2021 is the 10 year anniversary of our first date. I had plans. Romantic plans. No more. 1. The...can't type it. But the package came in plenty of time...even though like an IDIOT I ordered them from the UK. Sure, you can click on USA, but that only converts to $. It still ships from the UK. 2. I asked my son to get up early to move some furniture and other stuff. He didn't get up until 1pm! He was probably watching movies in his room, but I know he slept well past 8am and didn't shower before I got up at about 8:20am. Doesn't matter because the only way to wake him is to be LOUD. That would wake up the wife and we'd have a lovely start to our Saturday. Nope! I get enough crap during the week because that is how I have to wake him. So...that stuff didn't get done. 3. Earlier in the week I told the wife we have plans on Sunday. I asked her what Sunday was. So great! She doesn't remember. I don't think she was being a smartash, I think when I asked, she just couldn't think of it. 4. Saturday afternoon I ask her again. Of course, she says, and gets it right. 5. Just before dinner she announces Aunt Flo is visiting. Are you fucking kidding me? It has been...let's just say................awhile. So...it's not enough that I'm super stressed because someone has to use their outside yelling voice with my son all the time. Also, still no working furnace, so every damn penny I get goes for the damn electric bill. Oh..this is just precious...Thursday just before 5pm the agency that handles assistance for utility bills calls me. I have only sent multiple applications for the last 2 years, and I called multiple times only being sent to voicemail and leaving a message and they just call back now? I am so stressed I started seeing a therapist at the beginning of this month. When I called to get a list for my area they say 'what with the pandemic and people really needing therapists you don't need a referral from your PCP'. Wrong! I got an insurance denial for the first visit, so I call my insurance, well I do need a referral, but if I get one they will pay it. I request a referral from my PCP who says they may not pay it because he's doing the referral after the fact. By now I've had 2 appointments. If they charge my credit card, which they insist on having on file, I will go ballistic! It's been 2 visits via ZOOM. Mostly a lot of shock and awe. Shock at what I've been through, awe, I'm so sorry you've went through that and are going through this now. I really think you need to make sure you get your Sundays back. (No leaving to run errands, just chillin' by myself for as long as I want on Sundays. A time to chill and release some of the stress.) I really don't see that happening tomorrow. My plans are no longer, and I really don't see being able to chill by myself because my wife will be using her outside yelling voice when addressing my son. You may ask, 'have you had a talk about this outside yelling voice?' More than I could count. The last time I did I re-explained how my kids have mental illnesses and they are are not lying or lazy, it's their mental illnesses. And I broke down because, and I said this, 'I am under too much stress. I can't even have a damn nervous breakdown!' I am responsible for the bills, for grocery shopping, for breaking up these yelling episodes multiple times a day, and its been a month since I've had a Sunday to stay home and chill. Even that last Sunday I didn't get to chill very long because I had to get my son away from my wife because of her yelling. I've told her more times than I can count, I get it, you are in pain, but the yelling and the talking in a staccato tone have to stop. I remind her that I used to be a yeller. I'd go from zero to yelling in seconds. Anastasia told me either I stop or she was leaving me. It was hard, but I did stop. I stopped very quickly. I took it seriously. In that case it didn't matter because she cheated on me for about 9 months...that I knew of. Ok, I get it, different people, different situation, but it all comes down to yelling is not appropriate. The accusations of lying and laziness are another story. I need to find a book, or an article that explains the kids' illnesses. I've asked my therapist to recommend a book. I won't hold my breath, I don't see her doing that. Ok, I'm going back to my reading. Shane's Lounge ©2011-2021