Randomness

Where to begin. I’ve been crying a lot, alone in our bedroom. I’m reading stories that are sometimes sad, sometimes frustrating...like you want to reach inside the story and shake one of the characters and make them do something about their situation. Some parts of the books I can relate to, and that may be where the crying comes in. The crying scares me because it’s happening far more often than it had been. I get that I’m under too much stress and that’s probably the reason for the crying. I haven’t told my therapist about it because it wasn’t to the point it’s at now. I may have to say something at my next appointment. This therapist has been focused on me and asking me questions. More, to get herself up to speed. Past therapists brought too much of their own issues into the appointments. I still don’t like that her only suggestion was to take back my Sundays. My day of chilling on my own. Last week it got cut short because of all her yelling at my son. I had to have him come in to watch tv with me to get him out of that situation. This coming Sunday I will not have any time to myself. Probably more so because it being Easter and my daughter’s birthday. I picked my daughter up Wednesday after PT. I just don’t see it going well. My wife has already been yelling and it’s Thursday, only day 2.

My wife asked how long my daughter was staying. I told her there was no fixed time period like her 2 previous visits, but I’m thinking by next week Friday. My daughter has been so excited to be her that she talks  way too fast. I’ve mentioned it to her twice.

My wife and I had a rare few minutes in the Buick without the kids. I told her about the deposition next week. She asked wasn’t the car accident settled not long after the deposition. Yes. Then she has the nerve to say ‘I really need a car, are you buying a car if you get a settlement?’ Yes. ‘I guess if you get a newer car you’ll take it and give me the Buick.’ It was a bit of a terse statement. I just said, not knowing if/when/the amount of a settlement, I don’t know. But really? These are my injuries I suffer with pain every day. Any settlement is my money. I’ve bought and paid for 2 used mini vans for her, and let her drive my Pilot and I have always paid her car insurance. She has no income. Hasn’t had any for 3 years. Isn’t that ballsy to make a comment like that? Why wouldn’t I get the newer car?

The other thing I said in the car...I should have known to just not bring it up. Since we are selling the Pilot I said we should take it for a spin in the back seat. Wink wink! Nudge-nudge! Say no more! All she could think of is what if we get caught. How would we get caught? The car is my property, it is parked on my land. And the windows are tinted dark. No one could see into the Pilot at night. Where’s her sense of adventure? I dunno, but I was a bit shocked. I could name more than 5 women I had relationships with that wouldn’t hesitate to jump into the back seat tonight. I just don’t understand. It’s not like I wanted to delve into BDSM. That’s definitely more out there than the back seat of a car. I don’t know what I was thinking. Her reaction really shouldn’t surprise me, so I shouldn’t let it upset me so much. And I know damn well she’s going to mention this to at least one of her friends. Might be 2, but definitely the one.

Shane's Lounge ©2011-2021

Best Laid Plans

Bwahahaha! 03/28/2021 is the 10 year anniversary of our first date. I had plans. Romantic plans. No more. 1. The...can't type it. But the package came in plenty of time...even though like an IDIOT I ordered them from the UK. Sure, you can click on USA, but that only converts to $. It still ships from the UK. 2. I asked my son to get up early to move some furniture and other stuff. He didn't get up until 1pm! He was probably watching movies in his room, but I know he slept well past 8am and didn't shower before I got up at about 8:20am. Doesn't matter because the only way to wake him is to be LOUD. That would wake up the wife and we'd have a lovely start to our Saturday. Nope! I get enough crap during the week because that is how I have to wake him. So...that stuff didn't get done. 3. Earlier in the week I told the wife we have plans on Sunday. I asked her what Sunday was. So great! She doesn't remember. I don't think she was being a smartash, I think when I asked, she just couldn't think of it. 4. Saturday afternoon I ask her again. Of course, she says, and gets it right. 5. Just before dinner she announces Aunt Flo is visiting. Are you fucking kidding me? It has been...let's just say................awhile. So...it's not enough that I'm super stressed because someone has to use their outside yelling voice with my son all the time. Also, still no working furnace, so every damn penny I get goes for the damn electric bill. Oh..this is just precious...Thursday just before 5pm the agency that handles assistance for utility bills calls me. I have only sent multiple applications for the last 2 years, and I called multiple times only being sent to voicemail and leaving a message and they just call back now? I am so stressed I started seeing a therapist at the beginning of this month. When I called to get a list for my area they say 'what with the pandemic and people really needing therapists you don't need a referral from your PCP'. Wrong! I got an insurance denial for the first visit, so I call my insurance, well I do need a referral, but if I get one they will pay it. I request a referral from my PCP who says they may not pay it because he's doing the referral after the fact. By now I've had 2 appointments. If they charge my credit card, which they insist on having on file, I will go ballistic! It's been 2 visits via ZOOM. Mostly a lot of shock and awe. Shock at what I've been through, awe, I'm so sorry you've went through that and are going through this now. I really think you need to make sure you get your Sundays back. (No leaving to run errands, just chillin' by myself for as long as I want on Sundays. A time to chill and release some of the stress.) I really don't see that happening tomorrow. My plans are no longer, and I really don't see being able to chill by myself because my wife will be using her outside yelling voice when addressing my son. You may ask, 'have you had a talk about this outside yelling voice?' More than I could count. The last time I did I re-explained how my kids have mental illnesses and they are are not lying or lazy, it's their mental illnesses. And I broke down because, and I said this, 'I am under too much stress. I can't even have a damn nervous breakdown!' I am responsible for the bills, for grocery shopping, for breaking up these yelling episodes multiple times a day, and its been a month since I've had a Sunday to stay home and chill. Even that last Sunday I didn't get to chill very long because I had to get my son away from my wife because of her yelling. I've told her more times than I can count, I get it, you are in pain, but the yelling and the talking in a staccato tone have to stop. I remind her that I used to be a yeller. I'd go from zero to yelling in seconds. Anastasia told me either I stop or she was leaving me. It was hard, but I did stop. I stopped very quickly. I took it seriously. In that case it didn't matter because she cheated on me for about 9 months...that I knew of. Ok, I get it, different people, different situation, but it all comes down to yelling is not appropriate. The accusations of lying and laziness are another story. I need to find a book, or an article that explains the kids' illnesses. I've asked my therapist to recommend a book. I won't hold my breath, I don't see her doing that. Ok, I'm going back to my reading. Shane's Lounge ©2011-2021

Day 194

Brother in law is working every day including Sunday so no used washer and dryer for me. I’ve gone from super angry to super depressed. I am sick and tired of not being able to do laundry in my own home. It’s been a year for cripe’s sake!

Shane’s Lounge cc. 2011-2020

Day 192

Monday. I’m posting here because of the nature of my post. No one comes by here anyway, so I have more freedom and I can talk about/hash out the mortally embarrassing things here. This is sort of like a journal page today.

What is so mortally embarrassing? Just about everything. I came really close to having an actual nervous breakdown. No joke. My wife got really scared. 

My wife and I went together to grocery shop for her Mom’s friend, while I shopped for us and we met up when we were ready to checkout.

While we were out I left my son explicit instructions for cleaning the bathroom. But they were verbal, so he didn’t “get it” as far as what all was to be done. My fault. I should know by now that if it’s more than 1 thing I need to write it on paper or a whiteboard. 

I bought 2 new twin mattresses, and a twin bed frame, 2 mattress protectors, 2 packages of bed garters to keep the bottom sheet on the mattress, 4 sets of sheets. I still need to get 1 sheet of plywood cut to size. One bed has it already. The other bed we had was a double, but I wanted more room and didn’t want to spend much since my daughter won’t be using it much, or at all during the pandemic. I wanted it set up just in case she can recover at home, or have a home visit before surgery. 

So that’s not breakdown inducing. However I did tell my son to move things out of the bathroom so I could start organizing when I got home. He was also supposed to sweep and clean the floor. Not much got done. When moving things, how hard is it to keep everything in the approximate vicinity? I expected too much. I did explain multiple times, but I should have written a detailed list. My fault. My son can’t help it that he can’t follow verbal instructions. He needs written instructions to do a better job.

Anyway, I opened the lower part of the armoire in the bathroom, looking to quickly organize TP and feminine products. Mice feasted on my pricey 1 ply TP. It was a forking disaster area. I went from being super frustrated, to being hysterical. Not hysterical funny. Hysterical crying. I cleaned up the TP and boxed and sealed the open packages. My son came in to help and grabbed an open box of toilet tank parts. A mouse flew out and hit me in the belly, bounced off, then made a run for the floor heat register. That was it! I went from hysterical crying, to hysterical screaming, to hyperventilating. I couldn’t catch my breath. I just kept going at it, cleaning up the mess, and gasping because I couldn’t breathe. My wife, after trying to talk me into taking a break, came up and tried to calm me down. I couldn’t be calmed down. Yes, the mouse actually bounced off my belly when it made a break for it getting out of the box.

It’s been over 4 hours since it happened. My chest hurts from gasping for breath. I’m not even going to mention how bad my back and shoulders are.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Last week I did order/receive a door draft blocker for the back door. There is a gap between the bottom of the door and the threshold. Today I also bought a can of spray foam to fill any gaps around plumbing pipes and gas lines. After shopping and the bathroom chaos it was late and none of that got done today. I can’t move much now, did to much in the bathroom. Hoping to go full force tomorrow after our Best Buy appointment to transfer data and activate my wife’s new iPhone then transfer my son’s stuff to her old iPhone. Whenever we get a new iPhone the person with the oldest phone gets the iPhone that was replaced. We can’t afford for everyone to get a new iPhone, nor can we afford to buy the newest model. I look at available stock and prices and order accordingly. 

I had to take an Ativan when I went to sit down, calm down, and try to breathe. It helped a lot.

Shane’s Lounge cc.  2011-2020

Day 47 of Sheltering In +

Thursday.

At Shane’s Lounge I blog about things I can’t on my main blog because I was daft enough to give my sister-in-law the info to find my main blog. 

So, my sister-in-law wrote a book. She’s been going “Live” on Facebook to drum up sales for her book and journals and crafty stuff on Etsy. She’s been pretty “out there” lately. By that I mean she’s very manic and dramatic. That’s the word I was looking for, dramatic. I really cringe when I watch any of her Facebook “Lives”. She never uses a script, not even an outline. Everything is off the cuff, lots of ‘ahh, umm, etc.”

Somehow she came up with this idea to do 9, one hour long Facebook Lives to read her book. So it’s like an audiobook live. She’s charging $5 per person, payable to her PayPal or Facebook. I tend to doubt her publisher would allow this because technically it could undermine book sales. When she’s talking about the live reading of her book she repeatedly says, it’s like and audiobook live and those audiobooks cost like $25. She says she’s going to read the book, and add some insight, some “antidotes” about some of the happenings described in the book. Of course she meant to say “anecdotes”. She said it at least twice that I heard, could have been more. I was flabbergasted. This woman who likes to portray herself as a lady who lunches, more superior than others, and she makes that type of grammatical error. Let’s just say it. She sounds ignorant. Part of me wants to message her and tell her what she said and the word she should have used, but that would be confrontational, and I don’t want to go there, but yet I do. I do because I want to show her she is not superior to me. That I’m not the uneducated oaf she thinks I am. But then why bother, it would get ugly fast, even if I approached in a genuine way. She would get indignant. Probably about something completely unrelated. It’s just the way I see her interact with other people that makes me feel that’s how it would go down.

Shane's Lounge ©2011-2020

A Parent Does Not Say This To Their Mentally Ill Or Special Needs Offspring

“You haven’t amounted to anything.”  

“You haven’t amounted to anything” was said to my son by his dad on Valentine’s Day. My son has a mental illness. This coming from his dad who is not currently working, hasn’t worked in years, and truly “hasn’t amounted to anything. For realz.

I can say this because I HAVE amounted to something.
     • I raised 2 great kids with serious mental illnesses, really as a single Mom who only got bs and
        excuses from their dad.
     • I raised 2 great kids with serious illnesses who are well mannered and polite.
     • I raised 2 great kids with serious mental illnesses who are loving and kind adults.
     • I kept jobs for years where I was treated horribly, where I was taken advantage of in terms of
        salary, where I should have left for a lot of reasons. I toughed it out and continued to work at
        these places because I was the sole provider for my children. I had to make sure my kids had
       food, clothing, school supplies, health and dental insurance.
I could go on, had I not medicated before I wrote this. You get my general point. I raised my kids to be great adults despite interference and lack of support, both financial, and in the way that he treated them throughout their lives. The manipulation, lack of contact, inappropriate contact (verbal, written).

I was driving when my son told me this. I wanted to burst into tears because of what an awful thing to say to your own child, and because I was so angry. I didn’t burst into tears because I didn’t want my son to see me do it. I was wearing sunglasses and kept wiping the tears. My voice cracked when I spoke. He knew I was upset. He didn’t need to know how upset.

I had to remind my son the place his dad comes from. His dad has a mental illness that he refuses to acknowledge and has worked for very short periods of time since 1995. Mostly not working.  How would his dad even know what it means to be a person who amounts to something?

Shane's Lounge ©2011-2020

Confused thought or truth?

When I’m in the car, just the two of us, he gets chatty. Inevitably it’s an episode of Mr Peabody and Sherman The cartoon with the time machine. My son will talk about high school before he got sick. Sometimes he talks about recent contact with classmates. Twice now he has mentioned that his jerky friend, Nick, has written in at least 1 Facebook post that my son is dead. My son said several friends have told him about this. My son initially became ill when a classmate said his sister was dead and he needed to stop talking about her. At the time my daughter attended a different school.

I don’t know if this is true or not. I have asked my son to take screenshots any posts Nick made about my son being dead. If it is true, I will be talking to my attorney. Nick knows my son had a mental illness.

Shane's Lounge ©2011-2020